Tuesday, 27 January 2009

• so i thought i'd share with you all a little about myself
  i'm definately going out on limb doing this
  i realise i will get judged and i know a lot of people aren't very forgiving
  i do hope that someone will learn from my story though
  
  i was raised catholic and went to catholic school
  i think this is part of the reason i became an atheist
  religion was forced down my throat all my life and so when i got to my early teens and started questioning everything that was where i started
  i couldn't prove God exsisted so i wouldn't accept him
  i was very scientific back then so if science couldn't explain something i rejected it
  science couldn't explain how Jesus rose from the dead so i assumed it was a lie
  i got very cynical and saw religion as a means of controlling people
  
  as i moved into my mid-teens i became more resolute in my beliefs, or lack thereof
  as well as rejecting religion myself i thought of those with faith as somewhat inferior i guess you could say
  i believed i had it right and that they were all just buying into a lie, that they were fools for accepting what i saw to be blatant lies with no grounds whatsoever
  i think this is a bad attitude to have even if you don't have faith
  it's so narrowminded, ignorant and disrespectful, i'm ashamed to have ever felt this way
  
  when i began college i started dating this guy
  a few months later i decided i was 'ready' to sleep with him
  i wasn't a christian so i had no reason not too
  i believed we were in love and that sex was a natural progression of our relationship
  needless to say this is a choice i've come to regret
  
  nothing is more regretful to me than the person i became after we broke up a month later we first had sex
  i was angry with my ex, as i saw it he'd used me for sex
  i started getting wasted a lot and doing stuff with guys
  one of them was one of my exes friends, i wasn't even attracted to him, i just did it to spite my ex
  
  then i slept with the guy one of my friends liked and was about to start dating
  that's probably the worse thing i've done
  we kept it a secret and she only found out a couple of months ago
  she knew he'd be fooling around with other girls so she pretended it didn't bother her - still does - but i know it must have hurt her and i'm more sorry than you can imagine for that
  
  towards the end of summer i started to realise that i'd become a horrible person, by my own standards if not anyone elses
  i stopped drinking as much and starting staying away from guys
  i felt a lot better for it
  i also started questioning my outlook on God
  i realised that whilst i didn't have any proof that he exsisted, i didn't have any that he didn't
  
  i couldn't tell you when exactly i started believing in God
  i didn't have a numinous expreience or anything
  i just know now that i believe God exsists
  i believe his son Jesus Christ died to absolve my sins
  i believe the Bible is the word of God
  i believe i should live my life to Jesus' standards and i believe that if i'm lucky, God will grant me eternal salvation
  
  quite a turn around from being a resolute atheist but i don't care
  i think God called me when he saw the mess i was making of myself
  he started by guiding me out of my sinful ways and then he revealed himself to me so that i could embrace his love
  
  i'm trying to hard to be a 'good christian' but i do know i have a long way to go
  i'm still dealing with issues of my past sins and i still have a tonne of questions but i know God will help me figure these things out as i walk through life with him by my side
  
  this blog is basically going to be about my life
  about my daily struggles and about my daily triumphs
  a place to talk through my issues and ask for guidance
  
  i hope you wont judge me too much for who i was before i found Christ
  i hope you'll stick with me and i hope we can be friends :)
  love rosie xoxo
  
  

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